Blast from the past

Damn! This makes me want to get out my baggy pants, pump up my L.A Gears and jam to the sounds of Milli Vanilli. The 90's are making a come back - big time...and its about time. yeah!

Picture courtesy of www.collegehumor.com

Dictionary for decoding woman's personal ads:

40-ish..............................................49
Adventurous................................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.........................................No breasts.
Average looking..........................Mooooooo.
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure....................On medication
Feminist..................................Big enough to hit back - Hard
Free spirit.....................................Junkie
New-Age.........................................Body hair left natural
Open-minded..................................Desperate.
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional................................Hard ass bitch.
Voluptuous...................................Large boned frame
Large frame..................................Very large boned frame

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:


1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Lonely, lonely Monday morning.

I'm working on a phat layout for this blog.
Until then, best you just relax before I punch you in the face.


Such a pity you're asleep..

Cleavage of the week

A new feature to the blog will be the "Cleavage of the Week" post which we'll do at least once a week - depending on the abundance of cleavage. Enjoy!

All things relative

Mrs Fischer lied to me!
For those of you who dont know and you probably dont, Mrs Fischer was my matric science teacher. She was a real beast of a woman, a she-beast to be more exact. She had more chest hair than your average Greek disco dancer, hands like a boxer and a temper worse than John McEnroe on a Monday morning hangover. She liked to ridicule the stupid kids on their inability to answer her retarded questions on what the chemical composition is for scrotum. I didn't like her very much, and she didn't like me either. Come to think of it I dont think she liked men at all. Hard to believe but the she-beast was married...married to what I dont know exactly it was most likely a reptile or a donkey.

She was a hectic chain smoker on top of it - she used to light the new cigarette with the dying butt of the old cigi, rather than giving her lungs a break from the nicotinetar. She would ash in the pockt of her lab coat rather than finding a ash tray. Her teeth and the tips of her fingertip where brown from the years of constant nicotine abuse. Goddamn she was disgusting! All those scary memories of her are beginning to flood back...the stank of fat science ho is piercing my sinus. I need to puke.

*kotch*
*cough cough*
*chunder*
*flush*
Ahh thats much better, i feel like a better person after that.

She lied to me. I always had a suspicion that the fat bitch didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick her balls straight off!

Ken and Rob : Total darkness

The masters of all evil!

No, this post is not about Lucifer, the number 666 or two headed, fire breathing, demons with wings and a taste for blood. It's about something far worse...

The Modern-day boss!!!

Ever get the feeling you're being ass raped by the company you're working for. Its like being in a federal "pound-me-in-the-ass" prison. And the harder you work, the harder they pound. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Until eventually you have the bitter taste of corporate cock in your mouth! And for the life of you, you just cant get rid of that taste.
Its like permanent morning breath. No matter how much Listerine mouthwash you swallow, the awful taste just sticks.

God damn it! I hate bosses. They take pleasure in making your life a living hell. Money doesn't make the world go round. It makes a perfectly irritating asshole out of a perfectly normal person!

For instance. They'll give you one week to complete a ten day project but they only tell you a day before the deadline. Which means you have to suck on your thumb and shit out a project in record time for an idiot who was too lazy to do his (or her) job and inform you about it in the first place.
Get my point? See my frustration? Can you feel the corporate dick ripping you open from behind?

Not to whine or get my panties all in a bunch, but fucking hell. Give me a break!!!

Babilons!!!

Few woman in this world are lucky enough to enjoy the kind of exposure (no pun intended) and publicity which Pamela Anderson is so fortunate to have had.But lets be honest.If it wasnt for her boob size that kept inflating at tripple the rate of the South African economy over the last ten years. She would've just been another one hit wonder.Just another "whatshername" model/stripper that was sort of hot at one stage and not anymore. But not this chick. instead of keeping up with the times, her chest kept growing with time, and growing and growing and growing. well you get the point...

So i took it apon myself to get behind the truth of the ever inflating babilons.

Here it is folkes!
X-rays dont lie...

pic from www.thissiterocks.com/

Ken and Rob : Oops!

Diamonds are forever...

GeO, don't delete this again. Or I will punch you.

Ken and Rob : Bingo

Ken and Rob : Echo!

Ken and Rob : What a beauty!

Ken and Rob : Prison

Theory of all things relative

Tips for 2006

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolatebar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meatsubstitute etc. tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fastwipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Dont invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Not so-Elegantly Wasted

I have a friend named JP. We have been friends for close to ten years now.

When we go out, and drink it normally ends up in a trainwreck of a night. We get completely hammered, and then go around causing all sorts of mischief and killing the ladies. Oh yeah. Round about 1am we normally start talking about how Thin Lizzy was the best band in the world and that we have to go to Ireland in order to visit Phil Lynott's mom's place to see the shrine room and to have our picture taken with his statue in Dublin.

A particular evening however stands out in my mind.

I have another friend, called Holly (she's hot, oh man). Now, I've known Holly for about seven years and being an East Rand girl, she likes the sauce as well.

Ok well Holly doesn't really play that much of a part in this story, but it was her idea that we go out (after not seeing each other for close to two years).

After a bit of conversing, it was decided that we would head to a local watering hole in Boksburg. We get there, and kick off with some beers. After about 2/3 hours of steady drinking, the cover band that was playing was still as shit as they were before we were intoxicated.

We got the hell out of there as they started their 'percussion solo' and headed down the road to the News Cafe.

(this is not Holly, just a Google Image search result for "happy drunk")

So we hit the News Cafe - Holly goes straight to the ladies' (what is with you women?) and myself and JP make a beeline for the bar. First thing we notice is the rather cute barlady. She notices JP's shirt (he was wearing a Famous Stars and Straps shirt) and comments on it. I say "Hey, whaddaaboudisone?" and show her my Coheed and Cambria shirt, figuring that if she knew about Famous Stars and Straps, she'll knowa bout CoCa. She does. I'm a hero. We order Jack 'n Lime and Jagerbombers and it's round about this time that we actually should have stopped drinking and gone home like responsible people. But we didn't. We order Jack 'n Lime & Jagerbomber after another and a few hours later Holly is out for the count and heads home. Myself and JP were not quite yet done though.

JP spots a girl that we were in college with and her friend and walks over to talk to (and probably offend) them. He's quite good at that. I'm still by the bar, tethering dangerously on the stool. Cute ms Barlady comes around (oh by the way, we established a bit earlier on in the evening that Barlady is the sister of an acquaintance that we have in the music industry. Anyways.) and starts talking to me. This is what I had to say to her.

"You know what? I'm actually a miserable person.
I'm not happy with what I do for a living. I'd rather be playing music, you know that?
In fact, I'm only happy when I've been drinking.
Or if I've been playing bass.
Or both."

Was I just talking shit to her because I was drunk?
Or was I being completely honest about how I feel, because I was drunk.

We might never know.
I sometimes lie awake at night and ponder these things.



Ok well not really, I couldn't be bothered.
See you at the bar! Oh yeah!

Ken and Rob go camping!

The Homeless Have Feelings Too

I was on my lunch break today and I decided to get away from the office for a bit. Plus I had some work to do for my dad - I had to pay off some his gambling debts, so it was more of a matter of I HAD to go on lunch. No worries though, I decided I was going to spend his money on something more worthwhile like a keg of Heineken. Hope my dad doesn't get too upset with his new life in a wheelchair.

I pulled up to the Jan Smuts - 4th Ave. intersection in Rosebank and as is the norm in Northern Joburg this Homeless Dude starts haggling me. He was an old white dude too lazy to stand and beg, he was sitting on a deck chair, had no teeth and smelt like a mixture of urine and cheap whiskey. By no choice of my own I pull up next to him and since I forgot my radio in the office I had nothing to drown out his bitching and so Homeless Dude starts talking to me.

Obviously smitten by the Civic he says to me: "when am I getting my car back?"
"Class clown 'ey?" I think to myself. I just smile sarcastically like most people do when they are trying to ignore the homeless.
For some reason he still wants to make friends and carries on, "don't look so miserable friend."
How can you not be miserable when you work in technical support! Retard homeless schmuck!
I reply, "I would be happier if I had a five hour lunch." I dig deeper and retort "actually, I would be REALLY happy if I didn't have to work at all!"

I drive off, Homeless Dude is left aghast.

PS. I just thought I'd post that pic because there is something morbidly distrubing about it. Call me crazy...

Two chicks, at the same time.

http://www.bullshitjob.com/quiz.html

Play this now!

Found this link the other day, and i've been playing this for hours. It has nothing to do with the picture displayed, except I scream like Ms Sharapova sometimes...


















Click here to play the TennisChallenge game

This will make your eyes bleed - in a good way.

PS. GoodApollo, play this without blinking for 5hours straight. Shortly after jump into your car on a dark starless night, keep your lights off and take a drive on the N1

The "dumb ass client" saga continues

I know its sad to say, but we here at phatsnatch can actually relate to these cartoons...





cartoons courtesy of userfriendly.org

Comedown Monday

I'm so miserable today, it's not even funny.
The only thing I can think of doing is to make fun of GeO.