Wednesday, May 31, 2006

1000 Hits!

I woke up this morning, as I normally I do, wishing I hadn't woken up at all, as I normally do. Prepared for work, ate my breakfast, took a 20 minute shit got in my car and cried for a good 15 minutes with the thought of another day of mind-numbing client queries and corporate bullshit, wiped my eyes dry and I was off to the office for another stimulating, exhilirating day of "hell on earth."

After waiting a good 20 minutes for my PC to boot I sit down get ready for the day ahead and the blue screen of death pops up. I boot my PC again. This time my PC has a warning message that tells me the NTLDR file is missing. My face burns red, wait, my hole body burns red with frustration. I dont want to discuss this anymore, read PhatBoi's post "
Fucking Windows" for a breakdown of what happened next.

After waiting a good 20 minutes for my PC to boot I sit down get ready for the day ahead and to only find out we ran out of filter coffee (aka my daily saviour) and I had to drink horse shit Ricoffy ground shit!

I wait another 10 minutes for my IE to launch. As usual the first thing I do is to check the blog for any new comments my Mom may have posted, lo and behold to my surprise our hit counter registered 1003 hits. Fantastic! Well done gents! (When I say gents I actually mean PhatBoi since GoodApollo has fallen off the face of the earth ever since he became a Rock God and he started touring Europe). And a big hearty thank you to all our visitors/readers (when I say visitors/readers I actually mean Mom). We are nearly there boys! We just need a sponsor now and invites to the FHM parties. Soon we'll be getting 1003 hits per day, mark my words.


I'm in a better mood now. Life is somewhat worth living.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The most hilarious book ever written!!!!

Fuck what everyone says! Always judge a book by it's cover.




Fucking Windows

Yes boys and girls...and GeO's mom, it is I PhatBoi. I made it through a gruesome 8 hour battle of I.T yesterday. NO. Its not what you think. I wasn't battling my fellow colleagues in a LAN game of Counter Strike or Half Life. Oooooh noooo! This is something that can push a person over the brim of sanity.

Simply put, my poor pc was humped up da bum by a virus I'd like to call "Windows Xp". I tried doing a repair install on my machine coz it wasn't booting properly, and by "booting properly" I mean - not booting at all. FUCK!

After 6 repair installs from three different cd's I decided to bite the so called bullet and piss away all my porn, pics and mp3's. I nearly died...and pissed my pants...twice.

That was until the office genius saw me trying to strangle myself with a lan cable and decided to come to my aid. He backup my work with the friendly free help of Linux. Proving once again that Microsoft sucks big fat Turkish donkey dong.

Linux 1 - Microsoft 0

But none the less. I am back in black, large and in charge and hung like a mofo.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Cleavage of the week


No theme this week, just pure unadulterated cleavage. I know Tara Reid can be a huge augmented skankbot and sometimes her boobs point in funny directions but there is something so appealing about this picture. This picture makes me want to hug kittens and donate old clothing to homeless kids. It makes me want to fight in the UN and liberate Afghani's, and to rid the world of lung cancer!

Not really. All it really makes me want to do is sit at my desk and stare at the cleavage until I get the urge to play find her differences again.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Spot the Difference

I'm back from holiday and grafting as normal with my balls to the grind stone. I was well missed as is proven by PhatBoi's remarks and the 200 unread messages in my inbox. Life just got a little shitter now that i'm back, but what can you do...I know what you can do!

Play
this game. Its frikkin(!) addictive and there are a whole bunch of famous sexy ladies of the female persuasion that you can spend your work hours playing with. Trust me, these ladies won't say no to your loving caress...oh yeah. Except they will tell you that you are wrong. Which is true, since I'm never right. As my Dad always testified. You are right Dad, I won't amount to anything - I see the light now. The sooner you believe this simple truth the sooner you can chuck your childhood dreams (aka your soul) out the window and into the middle of Jan Smuts Avenue.

Regardless,
play this game. It is fun. I like. Yes. Shinkwe!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Deflowering of a flower.

GeO and I shot through to a local supermarket one lunchtime blissfully unaware of the loads of fun awaiting us at the flower stand. I can proudly say that from this day on, no flower will ever
be safe from the ever wandering finger of GeO
Watch and be entertained!
Ps. Sorry for the kak quality.The video was taken with the kak video function on my kak camera phone.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A post...finally!


This post is to serve as an apology to GeO's mom for the lack of posts on the Phat.
We could blame it on GeO being in Capetown or Good Apollo working himself into a pile of steaming faeces or we could blame it on the guy sitting across from me having an infection in his left testicle causing it to swell to the size of a Dunlop tennis ball.
It doesn't really matter, so here goes nothing...

"GeO's mom. From the bottom of Good Apollo's big, loving heart, we here at the Phat just want to say that we repent our wrongful ways and we hope that you can forgive all of us... except GeO coz his flippin' shtoopit.


Cool, with that out the way, let's get back to some down and dirty bloggin'

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Cleavage of the week

Its just been one of those days where nothing wants to work right...This is the 2nd time I'm re-doing this post. I don't know what the frothing hell is happening, and I dont care! I'm going on holdiay tomorrow and I plan on spending my last few hours at the office by staring at cleavage. Dammit all!

Todays Cleavage theme is Videogame babes. Unfortunately this years E3 expo had strict restrictions of how much skin models could show, unfortunate for PhatSnatch readers. Thats the best pic I could find from the expo...not to fear, I managed to nic some pics from the uber cool video game website www.ign.com. You see the connection? IGN = videogames. IGN = babes. IGN + IGN = videogame babes. Get it? Aha!

Aiko / Tara Rice

Natalie Keen / Holly Weber

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Drunks are Flippin Shtoopit


Lets face it there's nothing more irritating than being sober. Wait. There's one thing more irritating than being sober and thats being sober when all your buddies are wasted to the point of catatonia. I avoid the sober thing like the plague but there are certain points in one's lfe that alcohol use has to be avoided. For example, when you are on serious medication, when meeting your chicks folks for the first time, when you are Colin Farrel.

Case in point, when you are as sober as a nun and your buddies are as drunk as Irish Catholic priests it makes you wish you were as inebriated as them, not for the sake of being drunk like them but to understand their retarded conversations. Here is a little article that assists the sober in a drunken environment - How to talk to drunks.

Cartoons, Cartoons, Cartoons!

Who doesn't like the odd cartoon every now and then. The web is crawling with cartoons being sent around from one office to the other kicking a big fat hole in a little somothing called productivity. And now to aid the purpose of counter-productivity (damn that sound so smart) is a site called stripgenerator.

I picked this site up from another blog called Ham, which also pretty cool blog. Go check it out when you have lots work to do.

check out my lame-but-at-the-same-time-kick-ass cartoon
here! Its called the next best thing and it's well hung!

enjoy

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

E3 is Fun

Remember the days when videogames consisted of coloured moving squares that you controlled with a joystick - which was really a stick...that had a lot of joy...to it?

Whatever! My point is remember how much fun those games used to be? How exciting and captiviting a few multi-coloured pixels could make one feel. The hours upon hours of fun filled epilepsy-inducing time spent in front of a blurry flashing TV screen. Remember the exciting tingling sensation you would get with the promise of new game releases that boasted more intense graphics, more explosive sound effects and more thumb-cramping game addiction? Remember how those games ALWAYS used to live up to their hype? No bullshit. No Marketing spin talk. Pure gameplay.

Sigh. Those were the good old days.

Of late the video game market has been flooded with retarded, stupid, regurgitated shit. However there is tunnel at the end of the light! Upon visiting
www.ign.com I am excited again. I am as excited as a Japanese school girl on show-and-tell day. I am like Tom Cruise on the Oprah show - jumping on chairs and all.

What is exciting you so, GeO??? Well its E3 that is exciting me so. For those of us unfamiliar, E3 is the US's annual gaming expo that exhibits all things videogame. To be exact its more a cesspool of rotting advertising intestinal bile, but look beyond the spin and the marketing gibberish and there is exciting developments in them thar hills.

First, PS3 is soon to launch. With a price tag of approximately $600 this is the must have console of the year, due to launch at year end and just in time for Christmas (in the states anyway). I've started selling employee's PC components here at the office in anticipiation of the PS3. Check out
IGN for full details on the new console.
*Girlish squeel of delight*

Next, after watching the Metal Gear Solid 4 video I was in tears of anticipation. Words can not do this game justice. Check out the full
MGS4 coverage here, gasp at the amazing imagery, download the latest video, shed a tear or two, change soiled underwear. I have been the biggest fan of Metal Gear since I first started growing pubes in Grade 2 and the new installment is causing me to have sleepless nights - if you are a fan of the series then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. I know its not normal to feel like this about videogames but the future of the industry is undeniably exciting. Maybe I'm being suckered by all the advertising, however it feels just like the good old days. *Screams like a 12 year old*
*Bursts into a girly giggle-fit*

And let's not forget the small matter of
the last great PS2 game due out soon.

Movie Madness

See how many movie titles you can make out in the pic below. PS. smoking weed helps with the results.


Ken & Rob: The last stand

Monday, May 15, 2006

Work sucks - I know


A guy applies for a job at a new South African Government Department.
The interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
"Yes!" the guy says, "...a landmine blew my testicles away!"
"O.K. you're hired!" the interviewer announces, "Working hours are from
8 till 5 o'clock. Make sure you're here by 10 every morning!"
Puzzled the guy says "8 till 5, why do you want me to come in only at
10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "the first two hours
we just sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in
for that....!"

Friday, May 12, 2006

Ken & Rob: hit me with yo' riddem stick


Cleavage of the week



So much has been written about Adriana Lima in so many other blogs I wont be able to match the pics with any amount of commentary. So enjoy the overflow of todays Adriana cleavage.

Much more Adriana Lima here.

Bollocks

Marriage is a woman's way of saying: "Honey, I love you...And if you make one wrong move you mother f*cker I'm going to end you!!!"
It's true that once you get married you hand you big blue balls to your wife on a silver platter."Here baby. You keep these, and don't forget to squeeze them real hard when I get out of line, okay?"

Don't deny it. You've seen it many a time. Look at the following scenario. Lets just call the married couple Adam and Eve

Adam: "Honey, I'm going to watch the game with the boys down at the forbidden tree"

Eve: "But Adam, you said you're going to help clean the garden"

Adam: "I'll do it when I get back"

*Eve takes balls in hand and starts squeezing*


Eve: "I guess I'll just have to do it myself then"

Adam: "But its the semi's. Just wait till I get back"

Eve: "Fine!"

*At this point Adam realizes the firm grip Eve has on his manly's, and that if he leaves now his not going to get any for the next couple of weeks*

Adam: "It's only the single most important game of our life time, but I'll stay and help you with the garden that could've been cleaned tomorrow or any other day for that matter"

Game, set, match! Woman 1 - Men 0.


So you've been warned. Don't come running to the phat complaining that your wife has you by the big hairy ones, cos we're not interested.

Read the comic strip below and decide for yourself.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Advertising shit!

I want to post something because I know, you our faithful reader (Thanx GeO's mom) can't wait to switch on your pc and browse straight to our blog to read the delightful content. But to tell you the truth, I don't know what the hell to post. The last ounce of creativity has been sucked from my body by the corprorate ratrace. It's like...like...like... aah fuck!

See what I mean?

That's why I decided to post a couple pics about advertising and how it actually should be. It's nice to look at and doesn't require me to say anything. So there you go...Enjoy!

ps. I don't care if you think this post is a piece of dog poop. It's not like you leave comments on our blog anyway!



The return of a legend, or is it?


"Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the powerless, the helpless in a world of criminals who operate above the law."

It's still fresh in my memory like last night's garlic is still fresh in my breath.The talking car, the cool explosions, the kak acting!

Watching Knight Rider on the telle back in the day was (for lack of a better word) fan-fuckin-tastic.



The Weinstein Company has struck a deal with creator Glen A. Larson for the feature film rights to his classic 1980s TV series, Knight Rider.

No word yet on what role if any series star
David Hasselhoff will have in the movie version but he has previously hinted that he might be involved.


In a statement released this morning Harvey Weinstein stated, "I am a huge fan of the original series and could not be happier that we've joined forces with Glen Larson to bring these iconic characters to the big screen."

With that said. I ask the question: "Is there any other man capable of filling the colossal position of Michael Knight?".

Let's face it. The Hoff might be one of the most ripped-off people of our modern society, but in the 80's the man was a god. Men wanted to be like him. Woman wanted hair like him...I mean a natural perm like that couldn't be matched by any amount of teasing and hairspray in the world.

The guy was perfect to every 80's standard, and he knew it! Its hard to imagine KITT rolling with a guy who has, dare I say it? "Straight hair". It just won't be the same. And what type of car will they use for KITT, I wonder? I bet the big car manufacturers like BMW and AUDI are already laying down the pen and paper to secure their part in the movie.

I think ol' Harvey boy has got a bigger task starring him in the eyes than what he bargained for. Though I can tell you one thing. Just as long as Tom Cruise is not playing the role of Michael Knight (or KITT for that matter), I don't really give a horses ass.

Here's some Knight rider quotes to keep you reminiscing about the good old days thanx to
retrojunk.
btw. Is it just me, or is there a lot of sexual innuendo in these quotes.?


It appears to be a large... My goodness, large isn't the word, it's enormous! "
- KITT

"There's no reason for increased volume. I 'm scanning your interrogatives quite satisfactorily.
I am the voice of Knight Industry 2000's Micro processor, K.I.T.T. for easy reference, KITT if you prefer. "- KITT

"It looks like Darth Vader's bathroom! "
- Michael Knight

"Michael Knight, a lone crusader in a dangerous world. The world... of the Knight Rider."
- Narrator

"And to our future. No matter who it may take us up against or where."
- Michael Knight

"With all due respect, you are not possibly thinking of... Oh my word, you are! "
- K.I.T.T.

"You are about as much fun as a divorce, which is not a bad idea!"
- Michael Knight

"Gimme all ya got Kit!"
- Michael Knight

"Michael are you sure you want to do that"
- K.I.T.T

"being one of a kind is a very familiar feeling"
- K.I.T.T

"don't touch turbo boost something tells me you shouldn't turbo boost"
- K.I.T.T


story source


Benoni South

I had a meeting with a client yesterday, of all places, in Benoni South or as the locals call it Benooni Soufs. The fun part of driving through the far east (or the far South East in this case) is the endles supply of home made garage specials that one can point and laugh at. This photo does not do this marvelous display of white trash mechanical engineering any justice. In real life its a helluva a lot more Danville!


The flame decals look they were drawn using Crayola, the flared wheel arches look like they are made from cardboard and I swear that wing was stolen from the 1979 Datsun Skyline lying in the scrapyard around the corner from where this guy is parked. This would be the perfect vehicle for the Phats local hero - Super Doos - we'll call this the Doos mobile. His cherrie must be so proud! A word of caution to the owner of the Doos Mobile: "dont trip over your New Rocks schmuck."

Monday, May 08, 2006

Speaking of winter...

I hate winter. WTF happened to summer (read "Work" post)? My nose is cold, my fingers are purple and we have a broken air-con thats not helping the situation one bit. Check the pics below for the amazing cabling job.

Eish Challie and M@ featured in this pic.


Goddam!! This is like being told you are getting a new company car and you get a set of mags, with no car attached. This is possibly the worst day of my life. Every new day is the new worst day of my life! I swear that piece of shit has been lying in our office for over a month now and nobody has come to sort it out. Life lesson learnt here is that when speaking to management make sure you draw them a picture..."We need aircon" doesnt work what you need to say is "we need an aircon that doesn't act as a piece of corporate art YOU IDIOT MORON BASTARDS!!!"

Excuse the pent-up aggression.

Some good news though, I sort of calmed down after I was checking out saffadude this morning. Its a great blog, written by a local boy living in the uk. I think of all my buddies currently working in the uk and how their summer is like our winter. They get this shit weather 365 all year round. Haha

Poetry is fun

A winter poem

Fuck, its cold!

Work


Damn, I could've sworn that it was just Friday five minutes ago. Wtf happened to the weekend? Oh my, how I miss the series of super long weekends we were fortunate to have the last couple of weeks. Taking one day off and staying off work for five days is what I'm talking about. Its like those buy one get five free specials you get at the Chinese shoe stalls at flea markets! One dolla, one dolla fo fly lice! No, actually it's 'fried rice' you plick! Ok, enough making fun of Orientals.

The question that I'm actually trying to get to is:

"What the hell happens to your work when your off partying like there's no tomorrow? "




That's right! Webster is on the money with this one. Who the hell cares what happens to your work. The only thing that matters is that your not there to do it. Don't' get me wrong. I'm not lazy...I'm just well hung.

But seeing that I am at work, I might as well get back to pretending that I actually do something here...

pic courtesy of thewolfweb.com

Friday, May 05, 2006

Forsaken!


And then there was one. Yes...one. My fellow bloggers have deserted me. Between Good Apollo touring the country with GeO's mom and GeO going A.W.O.L to have sex with himself in weird and not so wonderful ways that I don't want to talk about, they have left me alone to man the fort. All by myself, with no help from anyone. It's only me and the blog, mano a blogo. I'm bi-lingual esse, there's a deeffrance!The dark ages have been put in motion and there is no turning back.

I fear that the blog will not survive without the others. A ship needs it's crew, a team need it's players, Teazer's girls need scholarships for crying out loud...ok, not the last one but you get my point. So in their total absence, I took it upon myself to add another member to the blog.
BOYS, GIRLS AND BOY-GIRLS. WITH NO FURTHER PENETRATION, I INTRODUCE TO YOU...

*drum roll please*

WILSON!!!!

Wilson will be helping me in my quest to create the funniest, sharpest, most kick-ass blog till the other members of The Snatch return...


So until then, stay tuned for the amazing posts of Phatboi and Wilson!!!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Cleavage of the week



"Who is that lady" you may ask? That is Elin Grindemyr, and no I do not know how to pronounce that surname. Good god! I would sell my soul to Mark Shuttleworth to be her left hand right now. I haven't felt this excited about cleavage since our Cleavage Day special. Cleavage like this makes me want to say damn like a gangsta, "daaa-yom." "Daaa-yom negro. That shit is tight. That shit is whack. That shit is whack and tight"

Check out the rest of the spread here.

"Wash me" he says


Geez, the posts are coming thick and fast today. Thats what happens when there's no work at the office, the blog inspiration builds to an uncontralable level. Gotta love it!

Saw this on
Attu this morning and thought it was pretty amazing. Dont know if its real or not, but i do know that the most creative thing i have ever put on a dirty car is a half-cooked hamburger patty. Mmmmm patty...

And the hits keep on comin'

I know its lame, stupid and not even remotely funny but I just can't help myself.
here you go - Read'em and weep!!!

Darth vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas"

Luke: " How do you know"
Darth vader " I felt your presents"

That's it! I promise no more idiotic Star Wars jokes.

Today is world Jedi day

It has come to my attention that today is the day of the Jedi. Yes the whole universe has come together in blissful sing and dance to celebrate the power that is THE JEDI!
(queue scary lightsaber noise)

Ok not really. I just heard this super lame joke and I thought I'd share it with the masses. And by "the masses", I mean the four people that actually read this blog.
And by "the four people", I mean me, GeO, Good Apollo and GeO's mom.

Happy world Jedi day - may the 4th be with you!

I know what you're thinking, but throw me freakin' bone here, will ya!
Wait! I have an idea! Why don't you leave a comment for us to let us know what you think of this joke...Trust me,it will be fun. Just like the time I accidentally stuck my penis in the creepy crawly pipe...twice!


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

New kid on the blog!




Move aside superman, batman, spiderman and the fantastically fucked-up four! There's a new hero in town. He is one with the concrete jungle. His everywhere yet nowhere. He might be sitting next to you right now. He is a modern day Robin Hood and hung like horse. He does two chicks at the same time faster than a speeding bullet and he has probably slept with your mom.
That's right! Be afraid be very afraid of this mysterious vigilante.


"Who is this marvelous wonder?" you might ask. No one knows exactly, but he goes by the name of :


SUPER DOOS!!!

Yes, his name is SUPER DOOS!!! And his coming to save a town near you! Paving a way for a whole new bread of super hero's fighting crime in the cities we dwell.

To see this super cool super hero in super action, click on here to see him strut his stuff!

For the sake of my sanity - post your comments

We at Phatsnatch have noticed a disturbing trend involving our blog. As we are a great voice of opinion we need to resolve this matter, and urgently. It is critical to the success of this blog and to the general order of mankind that we (as LL Cool J eloquentlyonce said) sorts out our shits. The problem that I am refering to is that there is traffic to our blog, not a high volume but there is definitely some activity, but nobody is posting comments to our posts. This is making PhatBoi feel very insecure, why would people visit the blog and not say anything? Are we the only people connecting to the blog? Do readers not like us? Are our topic's too controversial? When will Tom Cruise eat his own shit and die? I dont understand it.

What most likely is happening though, is that our hit counter counts only our connections to the blog and that nobody else is actually visiting this site. In that case I have visited this blog in excess of 300 times checking if anybody actually cares about us. This is so sad. I hate my life right now.

Please prove us wrong and comment on this...if there is anybody out there listening...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Dear friends and readers,



I'm still here.
You can relax. And send me money. And the girls can flash me. 'cept the mingers.

Just so that you know:
1. Work has gotten to the point where I'm allowed to employ a junior to work under me. That's how much there is to do. And no, there are no hot big-tittied chick developers. Fuck.
2. I start a South African tour with my band this week Thursday. The dates are:
  • 04 May - The Blues Room, Sandton
  • 13 May - Potch Boys' High, Potchefstroom
  • 17 May - Die Tap Huijs, Grahamston
  • 18 May - Tapas Al Sol, Port Elizabeth
  • 19 May - Victoria Girl's School, Grahamstown
  • 20 May - Selborne College, East London
  • 21 May - Buccaneers, East London
  • 25 May - The Club Downstairs, Welkom
  • 26 May - Star of the West, Kimberley
  • 27 May - Stones, Bloemfontein
  • 3 June - The Blue Moon, Nelspruit
And then!
I go on a 2 week European tour in September.
So it's not because I don't want to post or because I had a fight with GeO's mom.. my time's just a bit constricted at the moment.

But to ease your minds and sooth your souls (or beasts)....
Here is a picture of Scarlett Johansson.


I definitely would.
All night long.
Like Lionel Ritchie.
With the harmonies, and everything.
"all night, all night!!!"